Planning a Solid Horror Movie Gathering

What I have learned in the last three years of writing about, thinking only about, and talking only about horror movies is that horror movie fans love to get together and geek out over the horror movies that they love.   It’s a nasty and unfair stereotype that all horror fans sit in their dark basements eating dead animals and cutting themselves and it’s about time we show the world that we all know how to put on a party!  Now this may be a weird transition for some of you but it’s ok, that’s why I’m here.  Follow these steps to make your Saturday night horror movie get together more awesome than Seventy million horror sequels that don’t suck.

Step 1: Create the Atmosphere

Not only is a good atmosphere an important part of throwing a great party, but it is far too often over thought.  You don’t need to have thousands of dollars of awesome horror decorations all around the place to create a great atmosphere.  This can be done simply with a dimming of the lights, a fog machine, and of course a whole ton of pigs guts.  Go to your local butcher and ask for whatever entrails they have lying around (which will be many) and I’m sure they will be willing to sell them to you for the right price.  Once you have them in your possession, feel free to place them all over the house in clear view so that the guests know that you really went the extra effort.  If you have a dog, you may want to keep them in the basement or a bedroom because they love chewing on entrails for no reason.  This same problem may occur with your guests as well considering you know that guy Ron.  No one really knows what he is capable of.

Step 2: Have Access to the internet

A laptop or a tablet PC are usually best, but a smart phone will do in a pinch.  You may be asking why I suggest an internet connection will be available and also why would it be so high on the list.  The answer is that when Ron sees an actor in the horror movie you’re watching and swears that it’s Royal Dano, you can whip out the computer to confirm that he is an asshole who has no idea what he is talking about.

Royal Dano, quite a handsome fella

Maybe if you were watching Ghoulies 2, that moron would have been right, but this here is Phantasm, and Ron is a dick anyways.  Feel free to tell Ron he is completely wrong even if you were watching Killer Klowns From Outer Space (Which did have Royal Dano in it).

Step 3: Food

Food is the corner stone of any solid movie watching experience and your guests will assume the same.  The “go to” idea that every host has is that they should have some themed dish like “Brains and bones” which is actually something like marinara sauce and cheese sticks.

Too Much

The truth is that if you come up with hokey names like this, you are probably an asshat and I’m amazed anyone showed up at your gathering.  A cheese and salami tray will do nicely with no one complaining (except probably Ron).  But if you really want to impress people, make some buffalo chicken dip, some popcorn, and order a few pizzas.  If you over feed people and exceed their food expectation, then they will love you forever and more attractive to the opposite sex.

Step 4: Buy Enough Booze

There really is no nice way to put this, but if you plan on having a gathering it’s imperative that you have enough booze for everyone.  If you all met at your weekly AA meetings, then I guess you might be excused, but still there should be a bottle of wine around so you can all laugh as Ron falls off the wagon again.  Seriously f**k that guy.  Don’t worry about getting too much booze, because you can always drink it when you are alone or on the commute to work.

It’s fine, I’ll add my own Kahlua

Step 5: Picking the Perfect Movie

If you try to get everyone to agree on a movie, you will have the worst movie night ever because someone is going to feel like they “lost” before the movie even started (unless it’s Ron, no one cares about his feelings).  The best Idea would probably to have the movie night predetermined by yourself since it’s your goddamn place.  Either way, if the food is good enough and there is enough booze, then everyone will probably stop watching the movie about half way in.  This could be a situation where half the guests are annoyed that the other half isn’t watching the movie, but that is ok.  At that point tell those ungrateful noisy assholes that there is this sweet party at [Ron’s Address] and even though the owner isn’t home, it would be totally awesome if they went there and trashed the place.  Ron is screwed and everyone can be left to watch the movie, it’s a win win.

Step 6: Weapons

If your get together is anything worth a damn, it’s best to have a few foam weapons lying around the house in case a fight breaks out.  From what I’ve seen from fans of horror, not nearly as many of them as you would think are skinny and pale nerds, there are a number of horror fans I’ve run into that are big burley guys who appear as if they could definitely kick your ass.  With all those booze around, the best thing to do is give them something physical to fight with and pray for the least amount of property damage.  If foam weapons don’t cut it, clown themed weapons will do (seltzer water, extend-o glove, fake plant lapel that shoots water) or just give them real weapons and send them into the driveway.  If they both die, you can’t really be sued for negligence if you say you had money on the fight. That is a fact [EDITORIAL NOTE: No it isn’t].

I guarantee these clowns have weapons

Emergency Contact Information

This is just good advice to have in general, in case someone is allergic to buffalo chicken dip, or the above mentioned blood bath erupts.  This is part of being a responsible adult; calling someone to clean up the mess you created.

And somewhere in there, pretty ladies will probably show up

Well that about does it for Poppascotch’s party tips, feel free to play around a little bit with these suggestions and find your own winning formula.  Good Luck! (and seriously don’t forget all the booze)