The Worst Jobs to Have in a Horror Movie Scenario

Happy Labor Day! Today some of you are either relaxing at home counting your blessings that you’re not at work or cursing the fact that you are at work on a holiday.  Or, if you’re out of the country, you’re probably wondering what the hell Labor Day is.  That’s a great question foreign friend, allow me to explain.  Labor Day is the one day of the year where we get to say “Well, at least I don’t have to do that job” and appreciate the one we do have.

Okay, that’s not at all true.  In fact, i’m not entirely sure why we celebrate Labor Day.  It probably has something to do with sales on laundry machines.  But that’s besides the point. I thought today would be a great day to reflect on the seen and unseen jobs people might have in horror films and try to determine which would be the worst to have.

Camp Counselor

It’s not the worst job in the world.  If you’re a college student it’s a good way to earn a few bucks in between semesters and, in any normal scenario, your biggest threat are the snotty little brats you have to take care of.  There are also plenty of perks to the job.  Namely all the drinking and unprotected sex you’ll have now that you’re far out of the view of your parents.  However, when the bodies start to drop, you can bet that you’ll be the first to go.  At least you might have a good time before someone wanders out of the woods and chops you in half.

Phone Repairman

Another teenage massacre?  You can bet quite a few phone lines were cut in the middle of all that mayhem and now it’s up to you to go out there and fix them.  It may be job security, but it’s also a huge pain in the ass.  And if you should happen to arrive too early to the scene of a downed phone line you might wind up counting yourself amongst the victims.  It’s a thankless job because they usually come in long after the horror movie is over, but I salute you repairman.

Crime Scene Cleaners

Sure, cleaning up after someone like Jason Voorhees might be a straight forward task, but there are some messy killers in the horror universe.  When Jason comes to town you just have to scrub some blood stains out of the shag carpeting or maybe off the walls, but when you’re cleaning up after Freddy Krueger you might find yourself dealing with the aftermath of a bloody tsunami.  How much blood did Johnny Depp have in him?  There’s not enough Resolve in the world to get Johnny Depp out of that room.  It’s easily the least dangerous job to have, but also the most backbreaking.

Mortician

Business is booming, but some of your latest clientele are a real chore.  When your latest cadaver has been split from head to toe and the poor mother is asking for an open casket funeral you’re gonna find yourself with a real perplexing challenge.  And then, if you should find yourself in a zombie movie, you have a whole other nightmare to deal with.  You might show up to work one day and suddenly find yourself on the frontline of a zombie war.  Gives a whole new meaning to being consumed by your work.

Cop

Let’s face it, if you’re a cop in a horror movie you’re usually one of three things: incompetent, a dick, or dead. Or maybe you’re all three.  There’s a slim chance you might be a hero or, at least, a decent person, but that usually only happens if you have a deep connection to one of the victims.  In reality, despite being trained and having a firearm, you’re the most unlikely person to survive a horror movie.  Your main purpose in a horror film is to be easily killed off by the monster to establish how much of a badass they are.  All that police training just so you can be a jobber for a movie villain.  It’s a bitter pill to swallow.

Scientist

Maybe you’re just a regular guy working in a lab with no intentions of ever doing anything evil.  Perhaps you’re working on something that’ll benefit mankind like a gum that never loses flavor.  Well, sorry to say, if you’re in a horror movie someone in your department is about to ruin your day.  Whether it’s because they decided to play God and create some abomination or they’re an idiot who accidentally spills a vial of a crazy zombie virus all over themselves, someone in that lab is going to destroy humanity and you’re on the frontline of that disaster.